“O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire.  O God, the triune God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Your glory, I pray, so that I may know You indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, “Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.”  Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.”  (Tozer, The Pursuit of God)

Thirsty for more…

Can I have more?  Am I supposed to want more?  I thought God satisfied the soul.  At least, that’s what I’ve been told.

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Sometimes, when I look up long enough from all that keeps my attention, I’m aware of an ache that I can’t fully describe.  Tozer’s words hit me full in the chest sending a wake up call in the middle of my chaotic life.  And for a little over a week I’ve tried to sit down and journal my thoughts but am continually derailed by all manner of interruptions – not the least of which has been the ramping up of a full fall schedule of travel and mentoring appointments.  I want to get something out, if only to get this off my desk so I apologize for the half baked nature of this post.  And now I have to study for this coming Saturday’s meeting.  I once again feel like the little man under the avalanche of papers trying to dig out into the light.

One small thought before I close.  Francis goes on to quote Piper regarding a critical question for our generation.  But I wonder if a better question needs to be asked.  Rather than asking if, when we get to heaven and have all the perks of our dream of heaven will we be satisfied if Christ were not there, I think we need to be asking, “Will I love Him today without any felt assurance of His Presence?”  That’s where the rubber meets the road in my opinion.

More on this later…

Rev. 3:15 ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either cold or hot!  16 So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I am going to vomit you out of my mouth!

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“As I see it, a lukewarm Christian is an oxymoron; there’s not such thing.  To put it plainly, churchgoers who are “lukewarm” are not Christian.”  (Chan, Crazy Love, p.83-84)  I don’t know about you, I have a hard time going there with Francis.  Why would Jesus suggest that those attending church in Laodicea will not get to heaven when those in Ephesus, who lost their first love, will?  Even the image of “hot or cold” begs a few questions.  Is one good and the other bad?  One author agrees with Francis:  ”Here Jesus is saying something that no preacher would dare to say if the Lord had not spoken it first; namely, that ice-cold atheists and pagans are preferable to him than lukewarm Christians.”  (Krodel, Revelation, p.142)

But what if something else was in mind here?  Is it possible Jesus’ words refer to a historical fact regarding the area?  To be sure, Jesus does find lukewarm Christianity nauseating but I wonder if more is in view?.

To the north of Laodicea was Hierapolis which had a natural hot spring, that was used for medicinal purposes. To the east was Colossae which had cold, refreshing, pure waters. In contrast to these towns, Laodicea had no permanent supply of good water. While they were able to pipe water from the nearby springs, it would arrive lukewarm and distasteful.  I suspect, then, that the metaphor was not meant to relate spiritual fervor to temperature.  If that were the case, the Laodiceans would be commended for being spiritually cold – but I doubt Jesus would commend that!  Instead, the metaphor condemns Laodicea for not providing spiritual healing (being hot) or spiritual refreshment (being cold) to those around them. It is a condemnation of their lack of works and lack of witness.

It’s more likely they were not providing refreshment for the spiritually weary nor healing for the spiritually sick.  Instead they were ineffective and thus distasteful to our Lord.  (Johnson, Discipleship on the Edge, p. 119)  And besides, why is lukewarmness worse than losing ones first love that Jesus would still allow entrance into his heaven those who love something else more than Him but not allow entrance those who are ‘lukewarm’?

Rather than asking if we are “in or out” of the faith based upon a list someone suggests represents what it means to be lukewarm, maybe we need to examine how we nurture an individualistic faith that makes little enough demands on us but instead undergirds our quest for self-sufficiency so that we too secretly say in our hearts, “I have need of nothing”.

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Are there other clues in the text that Jesus words are not about keeping the lukewarm out of heaven?

Rev. 3:19 All those I love, I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent!  20 Listen! I am standing at the door and knocking! If anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come into his home and share a meal with him, and he with me.

Using the verb tense to translate verse 19, here’s what Jesus tells them (and us): “Keep on having passion (be ernest) and turn around now.”  And how is this possible?  ”Behold” Jesus says, “I stand at the door and knock…”  ”Lukewarmness is fundamentally due to a fact about which we are usually unaware: we have excluded Jesus from one or more areas of life.  That is why there is no healing or refreshing.”  (Johnson, p.125)  We don’t need to make room for Jesus in the closed off places of our heart, all we need do is give him access and he will come in to the mess and make himself at home.  There is expulsive power in a new affection…  But that’s for another discussion.

1. At what point during our sharing did you feel most engaged?
2. What was happening at that point?  Was it something someone said or did?
3. Of those who shared, what would you have wanted from the group that we did not offer?
4. What did the group offer that you appreciated?
5. In the end, did we leave more drawn to God’s love or not?  What was most compelling to you – the chapter, video clip or something someone said?
6. If something someone said was most gripping to you, what would it be like for you to tell them sometime this week?

By the way, Francis asked us what we cold do to remind each other of God’s love this week.  I wonder if it would be more natural and practical to simply speak into each other’s lives of how we saw God in them that night?  Just wondering…

“When we play god in our lives, [our union with God is lost] (see Col. 3:3).  We become autonomous, self-referenced (self-centered) being who have abandoned the center of our true identity in God.  We objectify or identify our self apart from God.”  (M. Robert Mulholland, The Deeper Journey, p. 28)  I call it Christian atheism.  While we may say we believe in God, so often our actions as well as our inner passions betray our verbal assertions.  We sometimes act as though God is not just silent but He is not even there.  I know I do.

Just this morning Jeanni and I were talking about our staff retreat this summer.  We covered all sorts of ground from staff relationships to finances and locations.  At one point in the conversation I felt panic (I had just come in from riding my bike full of thoughts about another subject entirely).  Abruptly, I said, “I’ve got to get moving or I’ll lose my day.”  In the following conversation/tense moments, Jeanni begins telling me stuff I did not wish to hear.  I knew she was wrong.  I did not tell her she was in my way and if it sounded like it, I was certain I did not mean it.  At that moment, I did not want to hear how my words effected her intentional or not – I had an agenda.

When I live out of my false self (the flesh, self-interests, etc.) I’m not all that interested in knowing how my words or actions hurt another.  I’m committed to my own well-being.  Telling me I hurt you opens me to vulnerability I cannot afford (in my false self). “To the extent our false self guides our life, we fear others”, says Mulholland (The Deeper Journey, p. 32).  Our false self is constantly threatened in community.  This morning I was playing god and was doing everything I could to protect my fragile false self.

When I talk about “more” in community, what I’m wanting and I believe deep down so does every believer, is a community that knows I sometimes act out of unbelief – that I am sometimes a practicing atheist.  I take matters into my own hands.  I worry about finances, argue with my wife and sometimes even shame my children.  What I don’t want is a place where these acts (motivated out of a false self) either go unaddressed or quickly glossed over with Christian platitude.  I don’t want to be patronized as though I don’t know it’s wrong to worry, argue and provoke my children.  I want truth not a behavioral fix.

Crabb’s Real Church has some helpful categories at this point.

We need to hear resurrection truth, enter story truth and deeply ponder signpost truth.

Resurrection truth tells me there is hope!  Don’t give up.  God is not only with me, he is for me and in me.  Story truth invites me to be real because all will be well someday.  “Resurrection truth tells me there’s hope, but story truth tells me what the hope is and anchors me as I’m real about my doubts.” (Crabb, Real Church, p. 99)  Sign post truth lets me know there are no formulas so I can be creative.

Am I hungry for truth?  Scriptures tell me I am.  But what about the says I can’t see it?  When I’m lost in protecting my false self and can’t see my way clear to even care about you, who will step past my ugliness and call me into the truth that I am actually a new self, a true self in Christ?  When pouring truth into my soul in dark moments, will there be a relaxed assurance in the power of the gospel when I don’t seem to ‘get it’ right away?  Or, will there be an impatient urging or convincing me of something I know in my head but am presently denying in my heart?  Just because I don’t always act like it, who will believe my false self is actually a lie and so expend some energy looking for the reality of Christ within me – my true self?  Will I be drawn into God’s story in ways were I begin to see it relating to my story only long enough for me to be more captivated with Him?  In examining the sign posts of truth, will we step into the mystery of knowing God and allow a growing knowing of HIm guide the way we relate and muck through our clunky tense moments with our spouse, children or friends?

“A hunger for truth will lead to a focus on formation,” says Crabb (Real Church, p. 120).  The more we long for truth in the three categories I’ve just mentioned, the more, I believe, we will long to look like Jesus.  And when we go to our homes after house church, we will notice a growing passion for Jesus as a result of having been together in community.

There’s more to say here.  I’ll close for now.  Right now I’m just thinking out loud with no real direction to my thoughts.  Hopefully this will stimulate more conversation and thought as we get rolling.

Last night, chatting with the middle schoolers, I decided to simply focus on James 4:13-17.  We all agreed that the topic was one none of us wanted to actually discuss.  Jared was pretty sure he never thinks about dying and both Jille and Katie agreed that was not very interesting.  And since tonight’s subject was on dying, they were all glad I did not go with my first thought on having a craft to make our own coffin or embalm each other.

Our feelings aside, I asked everyone why they thought James would bring up the topic in the first place (introducing why this fit with our study in “Crazy Love” seemed a bit too much for this crowd).  The obvious answers rolled out.  “Because we might die any minute, we should do as much as possible to make an impact before we die.”  “Yeh, we might die.  So, we better make sure people know about Jesus!”  I did not ask how many actually take their own advice.  But I did ask them to prove their answers.  Silence.  Confused looks.  Is this guy for real?

Maybe James had something else in mind.  “Right, we are not supposed to make plans without saying, ”If the Lord wills…“”  ‘Is that the right answer?’  I asked Noah how he felt about that.  He screwed up his face and said, “that feels kinda fake.  They could just be words”.  I agreed.  I seriously doubt James was giving us a formula for humility – ‘saying these words shows you really are humble’.  NOT!  By now the group was getting quieter and starting to think.

Is it wrong to make plans?  If I do make plans and don’t say, ‘if the Lord wills’, am I wrong?  Maybe I should stop planning and just sit back and see what God will do (this, of course is an edited version of the cynical comment Noah made; ‘since God has already planned everything it does not matter what we say or do it will happen anyway’.  It did, however, open into a brief stint on how God could even exist in the first place.  After all, eternity is a long time and our lives are really short in comparison.)

“So guys, if the obvious answers are not very good answers, what do you suppose James is really trying to say here?”  Silence.

“You’ve made plans for the weekend.  They are already cleared with Mom & Dad.  There’s no homework and you can’t wait to get started on this great thing you have in mind.  Mom meets you at the door when you come in from school and says, ‘get in the car, we have to go’.  You melt down.  ‘But Mom, I thought you said…’  ‘I’m suppose to go…’  ‘You promised…!  ‘Where are we going?  I thought…’  What’s happening here?

“Oh, I know, we are not suppose to get angry!!!    Right?”

“Or, maybe our anger is showing us something James is trying to tell us.”

Silence.  Puzzled looks.

“Doesn’t our anger show us we have an agenda?  And when that agenda gets blocked in some way, we are immediately angry because what we want is stopped.”

“Oh, I know, we are not suppose to want anything!”

“Hang with me here.  Maybe our anger simply shows us we want what we want and don’t care about what God wants.  Maybe James is suggesting that something in our hearts really believes it’s all about us, not Him.”

“But isn’t it wrong to be angry?”

“Let’s first consider what our anger is showing us about ourselves.  Our anger, when our plans are blocked, is like pulling a curtain back on what’s happening in our hearts.  I’m mad because I’m not getting my way.  Now I have an opportunity.  For what?  An opportunity to confess (1 Jn. 1:9) that something in me is  actually not concerned about what the Lord wills.”

At this point, I know I’m over their heads and over budget on time.  But getting them out the door while the parents were downstairs talking and praying seemed a bit disruptive so I pressed on.  Besides, I hate ending in the middle of a thought…

“So, what did you learn tonight?”

“Eternity is a long time!”

“I can’t remember.”

“It’s not about me.”

“My anger is not the problem.  The problem is that I want what I want.”

“I had fun with you guys tonight.  Who wants to pray?”

“I want more.  Please!”

The whole room gasps as Oliver Twist timidly walks to the font of the room and asks for more.  All eyes are on him.  Hopeful, angry, cynical, confused, shocked.  Each hiding his (or her) own secret desire.

Quite frankly, I don’t remember much else from that scene.  I was not much older than Oliver when I saw the movie yet that scene made an indelible mark on my soul.  I wonder why?  The question has rolled around in my head on occasion and coming up with no answer I usually set it aside.

So why today?  Why did this image pop into my head while thinking about community?  Obviously, I want more.  But I suspect it has more to do with the eyes of those looking on from around the room.  Some were clearly ‘for’ this starving child; some clearly not.  Oliver must have known what would happen if he stepped outside the expected norms for his community when asking for more–punishment and shunning.  Yet, he did it.

The question that plagues me is whether I would have the courage to do the same.  All Oliver wanted was a bit more food; he found the courage and humbly asked for more.  No demands.  Just desire.  A huge risk.

Call me Oliver.

I was recently asked to journal/blog my thoughts about community particularly as they relate to our house church.  The intent is to stir up points of dialogue and possibly shake loose equally shared desire.  We are just not sure how to get where we think we want to go (and that may not be so clear either) so maybe this can become a helpful forum for us to discern the good that exists and also help shape our desires into something more tangible.

What de-energizes me is the administration of our organization and even my own generated stuff.  One agency wants a report from my time in Cambodia and Laos.  I need to keep track of the stories I hear anyway.  Another organization asked that we (my wife and I) provide soul care for their conference… more admin (scheduling flights, planning talks, coordinating events, etc.).  And then there is the endless flow of email traffic that can pile up when unaddressed for any length of time.  Like the ocean, I dare not turn my back on it too long or I get zapped with something ‘crucial’.

But if I’m going to listen well to people’s stories and enter their lives as the Spirit leads, I need to be listening to the Spirit.  And I can’t listen well to the Spirit if I’m too busy.  Something has to give.  I need to let go of some good things to make room for better things – so that the good things I do, I will do well.  It’s not easy.  In fact, I don’t know what to jettison.  I like it all…  Or do I?

Lately I’ve been wondering why I’m having trouble letting go of some things.  If it de-energizes me, why do I delve into it and sometimes even create more to do?  Am I so ego driven that I secretly believe I’m necessary to a person’s growth and so say “yes” to every request that comes my way?  Or is it that I’m too lazy to say “no” and then secretly ‘blame’ my plight on those who seem to keep asking for time?   As a supported missionary, I confess I feel the pressure (mostly internal but present in many conversations nonetheless) to make the church’s investment in me worth it.  Yet, I wonder if by giving in to the pressure I’m also setting in motion my own demise?  Is my work truly of the Spirit when I don’t even have time to talk to Him much less listen?  That’s a sobering thought!

We had a supporter hear us talk about the necessity of prayer and our growing belief that time with God in prayer was more strategic than a well planned event or sermon.  He dropped his $200 per month saying, “I don’t pay you to pray”.  That hurt.  The voices inside my head scolded me for talking openly about my growing convictions.  But why should time in prayer be considered a bad thing?  If we are merely entering the work God has already started, doesn’t it seem right for us to get clear on what He’s up to so as to better join the fun and not get in the way?  I think that takes a bit of time; maybe even more time than I think I have at the moment.

And then there’s the still small voice whispering, “Apart from me, you can do nothing…”

If you’ll excuse me, I have a prior commitment.  I’ll talk to you a little later.

Simon Tugwell

Joseph Ratzinger, Introduction to Christianity

We don’t see many commercials in our home because we don’t watch TV.  As a rule, we prefer videos (DVD’s) because they lack commercials.  That aside, what intrigued me was the immediateness of the response.  My kids have not been trained to covet through hours of “want this”, and “buy that” advertising.  But there it was plain as day.  James Bond’s family motto could easily describe our family–the world really is not enough!

“I want more!”

When asked “how much money is enough?”, John D. Rockefeller answered, “Just a little bit more.”  Do you feel that way?  Sometimes I know I do–especially during this season of fund development just to meet fixed expenses.  Most would agree that stuff won’t make us happy.  Yet, getting the next new thing still strikes a thrilling nerve within us.

The author of an article in MSN Money, published in July of 2008, makes a telling comment in his opening thoughts:  “Wealth alone doesn’t guarantee happiness, but if you can identify your deepest desire, you can create a plan to get there.”  Of course, he then outlines a 4 step process to help us find happiness.  First, list your top five goals or desires.  Second, put a price tag on each.  Third, calculate your “enough for life” number.  And finally, create a financial plan to get there.  I expect to read this in MSN Money.  But what disturbs me is the many Christian leaders who tacitly agree with the concept presented in the article.  After all, it’s ‘sound advice’.

I do believe our desire for more is tied to happiness, but not in the same way some might assume.  Paul, in Colossians 2:9-10 writes, “For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”  The word Paul uses here for “fullness” can also be translated, “to fill up,” “to overflow” or “complete”.

The context of the passages is more about spiritual intrigue (do this, don’t do that, when to worship and how to worship angels) than consumerism.  Yet, I think it can be far more widely applied.  Our life in Christ brings a fullness (a completeness) that nothing else can provide.  Paul is saying here, “don’t get caught up in spiritual intrigue when our lives in Christ provide the fullness, the completeness we seek.”  Equally, we can say, nothing else in life provides what our soul most longs for and needs aside from Christ.  Giving ourselves to second things still leaves us incomplete.

Augustine“s story provides a great example.  Trying out popular religions, living with a concubine from the age of 17 for nearly 15 years and then marrying a 12 year old girl after leaving his first woman, Augustine knew emptiness.  Sometime after his conversion, he wrote about his restlessness and the restlessness of all souls saying, “Thou hast created us for Thyself, and our heart is not quiet until it rests in Thee.”

Wanting more may not be the biggest problem we face in life.  We were made for more.  And our soul will only find rest and contentment as we continually turn to Christ.

If Paul were to answer the four steps to happiness mentioned above, I wonder if it would look something like this:

1. Greatest desires?  To know Him (primarily) and to reflect Him in the world (secondarily) (Phil. 3:10f)
2. Price?  “Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ” (Phil. 3:8 MSG)
3. What’s enough for life?  “Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances.  I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty.”  (Phil. 4:11-12 MSG)
4. Create financial plan to get there?   “I can hardly wait to continue on my course. I don’t expect to be embarrassed in the least. On the contrary, everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose.  (Phil. 1:20-21 MSG)